Saturday, March 31, 2007

The Weekly Wonderings #3


1. All bow down to speaker phones. Without them, I’d never get any cleaning done. This week, I got to order what I suspect will be one of the worst movies I’ve been subjected to see as a parent. I was on hold for 20 minutes. At least I got the kids’ bathroom clean! [The movie? “Davie and Golimyr” from the propaganda studios of Lumenas Animation.]

2. I’m listening to KCBS-AM, and they’re interviewing people about housing projects in the city. And a woman who sounds remarkably young says, “I have six kids. Imagine how we feel living in a one-bedroom.” Imagine. Imagine just saying no to so many kids.

3. If the California Lottery doesn’t want kids to buy tickets, they shouldn’t leave colored machines filled with a variety of lottery tickets right at the end of the check-out stands at grocery stores. And if they do that, and a 4-year-old runs up to it and says, “I want this one. I want this one like last time,” people shouldn’t look at the 4-year-old’s mother and make “tsk-tsk-tsk” sounds as they shake their heads at her.

4. What good are the 1.44 MB “floppy” disks I have stored old photos and documents and the like on? My chances of ever being able to look at what’s on them are about as good as being able to play my old 8-track tapes. [All right, I’m lying. I never had 8-track tapes. I was always a cassette lady, myself.]

5. You know how I feel when I let another driver go in front of me or go first at the stop sign or merge in front of me? I feel as if my good deed is contingent on their acknowledging it. If they don’t throw a gratitude wave to me, I wish them ill will.

6. There will always be people who take the saying “It takes a village to raise a child,” to mean that they do not need to raise their child because the village will.

7. When the pool service company called me to tell me about a voluntary recall on the gas heater we installed a few years ago, he said he needed the serial number from it. “Maybe you want to have your husband find it.” Excuse me? “Maybe you want to not say that again the next time you’re talking with a woman so you don’t raise her ire like you’re raising mine.” He was apologetic. Good. Now, let me go make Pete find that damn serial number.

8. While reading through the local newspaper while Sam had her acting class, I ran across an ad touting a casting call. It said “Wanted Mature Women for paid Catalogue Print work and Fashion Runway.” I’m not calling to have it confirmed, but I suspect my age qualifies me.

9. If you discover there’s a party that you think your child should have been invited to but wasn’t, don’t call up the child’s mother. The invitation hasn’t been misplaced.

10. Principals at elementary schools aren’t fond of parents joking about smoking crack to keep up with the kids. [I so hope that doesn’t go on my kids’ permanent records. I hope even more that there’s not some obscure federal law which requires her to now contact the DEA. And now I really hope that if there is some obscure federal law requiring her to contact the DEA and she hasn’t that she’s now not fired for dereliction of duty. And that, my friends, is why marijuana is a gateway drug.]

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