Friday, May 11, 2007

The Weekly Wonderings #9


1. Memo to self: Don’t make caustic remarks when your straight guy bites. [How many times do you see the words “straight guy bites” formed in a sentence? How many weird freakin’ hits am I going to get for that one?] Case in point: I’m walking into school one morning with my Super Big Gulp Diet Coke. Two women are talking to each other, and one shouts to me, “Look at the size of that! How come I get ridiculed when I’m carrying a drink that big?” I say, “Because you’re ridiculed for everything!” And the other woman, the straight guy, breaks out into “I-can’t-believe-you-said-that-to-her” laughter because, really, the woman is ridiculed for everything. But, Lord, can’t you have fun without letting the other person know the truth?

2. I think I would eat a lot more if I went on a diet called “Only Eat What Your Children Don’t Finish.” Just now? A quarter of a peanut butter sandwich. Without crust!

3. Dear Nickelodeon, why are you making my son cry and moan? Why did you redesign your home pages? You want to screw around with
nick.com, fine. The kids should be old enough to deal with it. But nickjr.com, too? What are you thinking? Don’t you remember when poor Steve left Blue’s Clues? How about when Greg left The Wiggles? (Oh, sorry, that’s a competing network.) My kids like routine. Duh! I don’t care why you changed your web site. I’m trying to blog here, dude. I’m trying to buy myself time away from catering to their every basic need. Isn’t that why you exist?

4. Don’t ask a man at a birthday party which kid is his when he’s videotaping the scene. In hindsight, I realize only the maniac father would be taping the festivities.

5. In putting together the school newspaper issue, I get an article done in
WordPerfect. I’m shocked! I mean, do they even make WordPerfect anymore? And who would possibly use it, aside from people who work for the WordPerfect makers?

6. I’m working with Pete on his letterhead and business cards. “Change the typeface to Homer,” he says. “What? Are we Greek?” I ask. All right, dough head me because, um, that’s Tahoma.

7. The scene: sitting with Luke at breakfast. “I don’t want anymore of this.” What’s wrong with the bagel with fish cream cheese, we wonder? “There are little orange specks.” Of course, those are the fish bits, we tell him. “They’re making noise.” “Are they talking to you? Like ‘Have you seen me dad?’” [From the Nemo fish in
Flushed Away.]

8. The scene: driving with Luke. He says quite seriously, “Did you know that moths eat your clothes?” I explain that if they’re stuck in our closets they will, but they don’t attack you to eat your clothes. I ask where he heard it from anyway, and he notes it was Darren, his pre-school pal. [Man, does listening to your peers start early or what?] Then he says, “I would never do that, put a moth in a closet. A moth needs to be outside so it has joy in his heart.” I’d say that melted my heart, but I’m sure he just heard it on some inane Nick show or he’s prostelyzing about his
Davie & Golimyr movie.

9. Why does Luke close Ryan’s bedroom door whenever he uses the bathroom? Why not close the bathroom door? “’Cause,” he says.

10. And speaking of using the toilet, what possessed me to, after the kids finally got to an age when they understood I’d like to pee in peace, go out and get a dog who will never understand such a concept?

2 comments:

Mel said...

HA! WordPerfect. We still have that loaded on our work PCs, because the boss fears the concept of converting our old documents to Word.
I don't know. But I have always found that extremely funny.

thefirecat said...

I once taught a kid whose home computer housed what I am certain is the last existing copy of WordStar on the planet.

And no I am NOT going to help you with reformatting.

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