Friday, September 7, 2007

The Orange Vest of Authority

Orange Vest of Authority
I’ve got some advice for all of you women – and handful of men – who drive to pick up children from the elementary school. Much of it seems like common sense, a character trait that is apparently quite deficient in the parents at my kids’ elementary school.

1. Hang up the damn phone and pay attention to what’s happening around you.

2. Hang up the damn phone and steer with two hands.

3. Hang up the damn phone and back-up with two hands on the wheel.

4. You see that white paint on the curb in the traffic circle in front of the school? Don’t park in it.

5. See that space that opened up in front of you in the traffic circle? Move forward to close the gap so cars further behind you can move forward.

6. See that woman in the orange vest telling you to move forward? Move forward.

7. See that woman in the orange vest telling you not to stop? Don’t stop.

8. See that woman in the orange vest telling you to stay the freakin’ hell in your car? Stay the freakin’ hell in your car.

9. See that woman in the orange vest muttering obscenities as you stop long before you should because you want to get your kid in your car where it isn’t safe? That’s me.

10. See that woman in the orange vest doing such a poor job directing traffic? You do it.

I saw the principal acting the traffic cop the first day of school and said, “Dude, what the hell are you doing?” She said no one had stepped forward to do it. “And it pays.” I tell her, “I don’t want to get paid for it, but I’ll help you out until you find someone to do it.” No takers. And, believe me, I’ve been asking everyone.

Now, I’ll grant you that I’m not yelling at my kids half as much ‘cause I get to yell at all of these parents. But it’s high time my kids got all of the discipline from me that they deserve. It’s high time I hang up the orange vest.

[BTW, isn’t also high time there is a test that we require people to pass or we keep them out of the gene pool? And I’m not saying they’re stupid, mind you. I’m saying they’re selfish, inconsiderate jerks.]

8 comments:

mayberry said...

This whole drop-off and pick-up thing has been the most intimidating part of my daughter starting kindergarten. I'm glad people like you are willing to step in and help where it's needed! Hope you get to pass the baton soon.

It took me awhile, but I did your meme yesterday!

Bubba's Sis said...

AMEN! I really hate it at drop-off when they pull up and it takes the kids 5 minutes to get out of the car because they have to get their stuff together, talk to Mom, kiss Mom goodbye, etc. etc. Just get out of the damn car!

My own mother used to wish she had a Monster Truck to drive us to school in so she could just drive over all those stupid moms!

Jolene said...

I would never take on that job. Everyone would hate me (more than they do now). I can imagine the frustration. We don't have a formal drop-off procedure at Morgan's Preschool, but the parents are inconsiderate just the same. Parking wherever, driving in the exit and exiting in the entrance (even though there are signs). Also, I hate being blocked in. I have to get to work dammit!!!

There isn't a drop-off circle at Ashley's elementary school either. She rides the bus. If I chose to bring her to school, I'd have to park in the back parking lot, unbuckle Morgan, walk her to the school and walk back, rebuckle Morgan, wait behind the buses and fume. No thanks.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Common sense has become remarkably uncommon, Patois! This is a great eye-opener post that should be handed out in flyers to all parents... and other stupid, inattentive drivers! People get hurt and killed 'cuz some idiot is chatting away on their cell phone totally oblivous to everything around them. We have people at my office who assist our clients in doing cross-walk guard duty - my heart goes out to you, I've heard their horror stories! Maybe a ray-gun so you could zap those stupid folks would come in very handy! :-)

Greggo said...

you are definitely very courageous! to take on a job where you have to actually try to control the selfish, inconsiderate jerks! may you find a replacement soon!

Sarah said...

I'm so with you. People ARE stupid.

mommyof2galz said...

People are always driving around not paying attention- Augh!

Iota said...

I think they should have a driving test for people who think they can drive with one hand. If you can take the test with one hand on the wheel and the other on a cell phone, then you have the right to drive that way always. But until that day...

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