Friday, September 7, 2007
The Orange Vest of Authority
I’ve got some advice for all of you women – and handful of men – who drive to pick up children from the elementary school. Much of it seems like common sense, a character trait that is apparently quite deficient in the parents at my kids’ elementary school.
1. Hang up the damn phone and pay attention to what’s happening around you.
2. Hang up the damn phone and steer with two hands.
3. Hang up the damn phone and back-up with two hands on the wheel.
4. You see that white paint on the curb in the traffic circle in front of the school? Don’t park in it.
5. See that space that opened up in front of you in the traffic circle? Move forward to close the gap so cars further behind you can move forward.
6. See that woman in the orange vest telling you to move forward? Move forward.
7. See that woman in the orange vest telling you not to stop? Don’t stop.
8. See that woman in the orange vest telling you to stay the freakin’ hell in your car? Stay the freakin’ hell in your car.
9. See that woman in the orange vest muttering obscenities as you stop long before you should because you want to get your kid in your car where it isn’t safe? That’s me.
10. See that woman in the orange vest doing such a poor job directing traffic? You do it.
I saw the principal acting the traffic cop the first day of school and said, “Dude, what the hell are you doing?” She said no one had stepped forward to do it. “And it pays.” I tell her, “I don’t want to get paid for it, but I’ll help you out until you find someone to do it.” No takers. And, believe me, I’ve been asking everyone.
Now, I’ll grant you that I’m not yelling at my kids half as much ‘cause I get to yell at all of these parents. But it’s high time my kids got all of the discipline from me that they deserve. It’s high time I hang up the orange vest.
[BTW, isn’t also high time there is a test that we require people to pass or we keep them out of the gene pool? And I’m not saying they’re stupid, mind you. I’m saying they’re selfish, inconsiderate jerks.]
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