1. Why do my kids get all excited to see a butterfly and all grossed out when a moth happens upon their path?
2. Whatever the sound a fly does to my daughter’s ears, the sound of my youngest boy’s drumming does to mine.
3. Arguing that boys don’t jump rope, my daughter points out that her friend Brian does. “Fifth grade is the new era of cool,” my eldest son says in response.
4. Pete and I are often called to assist in the post-toilet use clean-up of youngest. Beckoned yet again, I say to the lad, “Hello, Poop Boy.” He replies, “Hello, Clean Butt Mom.” [Don’t we have the most darling pet names around these here parts?]
5. Yes, I, too, believe a five-year-old should be able to adequately clean his own bottom. But I’m more of the belief that we don’t use disposable underwear around here, thanks.
6. Speaking of disposable underwear, have you heard of the one-use underwear we ladies are to wear during our periods? Yeah, for real. I swear.
7. Another precious moment shared with my youngest lad. His dad was giving me a massage on my lower back. Youngest came in and started “helping.” Making my bottom wiggle he said, “You’ve got a chuggy butt!” Yeah, he meant “chubby” but I kind of prefer “chuggy” henceforth.
8. A little boy in the youngest’s kindergarten class is excruciatingly shy. At first, all he did was nod in response to a question. I said to the youngest, “R. is very shy. He only talks to Mrs. B.” What does the youngest say? “I’m sure he talks to his parents, too.”
9. The youngest, talking to a soccer teammate about his goldfish Buddy. “He died. He didn’t get shot or have a heart attack. He just got old.” Well, thank goodness no gang-bangers were going after his fish!
10. My apologies for this being a near-exclusive accounting of my youngest and his statements. What can I say? I’m a sucker for funny men.