Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Languishing in Anguish

I'm heading out to England today to join Pete in helping Aunt Margaret in any way we can and in being there to say our good-byes to Uncle Ken. I don't know how much I'll do in terms of support, but what I do matters little. It's that I go that matters a lot.

I don't do well separated from the kids. I had managed to stuff that anxiety of the separation deep within me. It finally came out last night, as I was saying my good-nights to each of them, spending time chatting with, first, Daughter and then Youngest and then Eldest. I ultimately slept with Youngest. Although "slept" hardly describes my night.

Saying "I don't do well separated from the kids" is putting it mildly. I sleep very little, eventually crying myself to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. I'm sick to my stomach much of the time. I can't focus. I can't do much of anything. How do I know this? Because I've gone away a few times before. Once for "pleasure" and twice for good, familial reasons.

I know, I know, how weird am I? And so I'm going again. And I know I'm doing the right thing. Only I'm in such a state that I keep coming up with scenarios under which I don't go. Which only lead to scenarios of what could happen while I'm gone. My mind is utterly effing with me. And sitting here typing this, I understand it's just my anxiety. But that doesn't stop me from crying and still having my mind whirl with freakin' bizarre thoughts.

I'm going. I know I'm going. I want to be there. For Pete. For Aunt Margaret. It is so the right thing to do. So I'm going. And I'm going in less than one hour.

Now, if only my mind would just shut the eff up.

13 comments:

Bubba's Sis said...

I'm praying for you - AND your children - while you are gone. Everything will be OK. You are doing the right thing, and the kiddos will be fine.

You'll be on my mind the whole time....

D... said...

The mind can be a terrible thing. My mind does that to me too.

I echo Bubba's Sis to the word. {{{hugs, love, & prayers}}}

Sian said...

Me too. I'm praying and thinking of you. Take care my dear
x

jenica said...

oh hun, i'm so sorry.

(((hugs)))

Beck said...

I can't stand being away from my kids, either. And my mind works the same way! STill. You should go and they'll be fine.
You should link again to the post about Uncle Ken's dog. THat was beautiful.

Maggie May said...

i know i'm the same way at times with the separation from kiddos.

praying really helps me, even though i'm not religious or faithful. it still helps!

The Redheaded Lefty said...

I'm the same way. I drive myself crazy. I just had an amazing job offer that I turned down because it would require me to be away for a week. I think this is society's problem, not our's! It's nature!

Giggles said...

I am exactly the same way as you, only my daughter is 22 has been away 15 days now and I miss her horribly. I think we're passionate loving normal moms! All the best to you!

Hugs Giggles

susiej said...

My mind would do the same thing. Anguish is the perfect word. Hugs, and praying for you.

Suzanne said...

oh my. I'll pray for the peace that passes understanding.

Lori said...

Kids. They change us. They help us to grow. They make us crazy. Insane. In so many ways. But they know how much you love them, no matter if you're in their bed or 1/2 way around the world. Love knows no boundaries.

Ruth Dynamite said...

Sorry for you...

Have a safe trip and don't worry: the kids will be fine.

Maggie May said...

i hear you. my mind runs rampant over me sometimes. hang in there!

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