Monday, January 19, 2009

The Walking Wounded

We're all wounded in some way, of course. That we're still ambulatory depends on the level of pain, the distance between the time of the hurt and today, and how well we're able to stuff the pain deep, deep down so it rarely seeps through enough to cause us to remember.


My Sunday Scribblings this week, I wrote just six paragraphs, barely touching the surface really, on a pilgrimage. I didn't go into details. There are so many details about my dad's illness, his surgeries, his death, his funeral, and beyond. I keep them stuffed down nearly all of the time. If I let myself dwell on that time of my life, so many of those intense feelings come out full blast and threaten to overcome how I feel about people today.

I could go into details, maybe try to provide context -- from my standpoint -- to explain this comment I received on that post:

"'A select few did not.' His second son, the one living across town, was instructed not to attend, because he and his father were estranged at the time of his death. And his oldest daughter, showing solidarity for the brother, and wishing not to show support for the proceedings without all the family being allowed to attend, also opted not to participate. They say time heals all wounds. Me, I'm not too sure."

That comment is from my older brother. I'm sure the details he would give to provide context -- from his standpoint -- would differ from my own.

We remember what we can. We forget what we can. Sometimes it's for the best. It's what we need to do to go on, to forge relationships with new people and to repair relationships from our past.

Residing too long
in memories of that time
makes me fade to black.



[For One Single Impression's suggested prompt of "fading memories."]

19 comments:

Amias said...

I have been in this place, and it breaks the heart when family act this way ...

My friend Maggie said that as we get older we are blessed to have short memories. I am old and still waiting. I want so much to not remember so much of the pains ...

"Residing too long
in memories of that time
makes me fade to black"


YES! --- I know time heals, but it living through the time, to get to the healing that's so hard. Maybe if I fade to black ... it would help me too!

SandyCarlson said...

Families make me crazy. Mine is cool. My former in-laws, not so much. And the kind of pain they inflict reminds me of what you say in this post. Thank God for friends and for the blogosphere. We cherish each other here, plain and simple. And that is beautiful.

Do not fade to black, dear one.

floreta said...

great way to tie this in with the separate sunday scribbs post. i think sometimes you need that stand-offish attitude to memories in order to deal with it and keep them safe.

gmarie said...

I hear ya! We'll more than likely leave this earth with big black eyes! I'm presently going through some difficult times with my family, though there has been a lull...maybe a comma? The thing is, the best description is more like travail! Ha. So, that means I have to wait before I can really write about it! I'm praying..praying for me them and for a healthy outcome?? Fair enough?

Beth P. said...

dear patois--
Thank you for this thoughtful and obviously painful post. Really liked your haiku--the fading to black or going numb, I've experienced in times of great emotional stress.

Thank you for this--all of it.

Sian said...

I don't have the words to reflect the pain I found here. Bold, brave woman that you are.
But I am holding you in my prayers right now and I bless you with a wonderful day - every moment a treasure. Amen.

anthonynorth said...

I suppose to me a person who goes through life never being wounded has never really lived.
An excellent, deep post.

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Families can be so trying can't they. Little wedges in relationships become monumental. I hope you free yourself from all the sadness. :)

angie said...

This was so well written....elusive, yet direct at the same time.

You have been on my mind.....I've been thinking that I need to stop by for a visit.....I'm so glad I did today.

Deborah Godin said...

A touching account of something that is universal - you are brave to share it!

Jim said...

Yes, Patois, these are things we can't be thinking on too long.
I have seen that. Like Sandy, it was my ex's family.
I was very hurt by her (if there is an ex, then most of us are hurt that way) but her family was so divided over our separation and her conduct that her mom removed her from their wills.
I left that family and do not know if they reconciled or not. And I do not ask our kids about it. Both of her parents have since died so it should be moot and would be except for a brother.

An example of sticking in there, hope, and finally reconcilation is my blogging friend, Lori. She has been labeled a "peacemaker."
http://boazeugene.blogspot.com/
You'll have to dig through as it was during 2006 and possibly 2007.
August 18 and 25 are a part of the story, I can't find the ending (happy, reunited) but it is later than those two.
http://boazeugene.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2006-10-07T13%3A30%3A00-04%3A00&max-results=50
..

Momisodes said...

Such a poignant post. Thank you for sharing this. Nothing can be more trying than family at times. Like a tiny thorn, the pain and cutting depth reaches greater than one would imagine.

fourwindshaiga said...

I wrote an old hurt, too. And wouldn't you know, family related.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful and moving post, sis. As most of your posts are. For older brother: it isn't "time" that heals all wounds, it is reaching a certain maturity -- being truly willing to forgive and BE forgiven (that's sometimes harder). That can certainly take years -- I'm a prime example! -- but not necessarily. Anger and grief are a combustible mixture and, sadly, tend to "team up" around deaths and funerals. It's what we CHOOSE to hold close afterwards -- anger and hate or acceptance and love -- that makes all the difference in future relationships . . . including those with family. I'm fortunate that many old wounds have healed or are in the process of healing. I'm incredibly fortunate to have such a close relationship with my sister. And mother. And am happy to be building strong ones with my brothers. Life really is too short . . . ask Dad. [Who would have guessed I could be so damn touchy-feely?] Love you, sis.

zoya gautam said...

.."a person who goes through life never being wounded has never really lived"..
many thanks for sharing this post..

Tumblewords: said...

Oh, yes. Sometimes the pain just up and knocks one to his knees, though. Excellent post!

krissy said...

Wow. Talk about a knock me on my butt post.

I understand this post so well that I have tears welling in my eyes. But because I am short minded, I always thought that I was the only person who harbored hurtful memories inside for them to never come out. Silly me.

Geraldine said...

Sometimes memories ARE best left behind. This is another interesting interpretation of the prompt. Well done Patois!

D... said...

This hits home with me. You said it well. We do what we have to do to live life. Siblings may or may not agree with that.

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