I didn't really fight the law, but the law definitely won. I admit to speeding with a car full of fifth graders on a field trip. I didn't fight the as-you-would-expect-not-kind CHP officer. I was speeding. He busted me.
So, yeah, I paid the effin' outrageous fine. I mean, the amount was appalling. I could have had a round-trip coast-to-coast airplane ticket for that amount, less any gouging airline-imposed fees. But I paid. On time.
The clock was ticking, though, for me to do my traffic school. I finally did it with one whole day to spare. Because if I'd waited for the last day, you know some catastrophe would have happened.
I used an outfit called The Online Traffic School. And that's where my anger comes out. Of course, I had to pay for the school. Of course I would. And I forked over the stolen credit card number that I keep for occasions such as that. And I agreed to whatever medieval terms they had. Without reading them, of course. [Seriously, does anyone read those terms? It's like reading the 16-page booklet included with my credit card each year. Like I'm going to compare it to the previous year or something? Please!]
I took my five quizzes, spending the bare minimum of time figuring out the correct answers. And then I took the final exam. Got 100%, thank you very much. [I know, I'm such an over-achiever. I was aiming for 81% to match the MPH I was going when I got the speeding ticket, but there were 50 questions, so I'd never be able to get an 81%. See, childhood math does come in handy.]
And then you know what happened? The effing Online effing Traffic effing School shook me down for another $5 so they could verify my identity before telling the benevolent court system and my kind insurance company that I'd done my penance. No kidding. They would not send along my proof of completion -- with a smiley face next to the 100% score -- without me paying them more money.
Like I said, I didn't read the terms of agreement when I clicked "I agree to abide to the terms of agreement." I'm sure the shake-down was mentioned there. Does that make it right? Not by my standards, but I'm sure it makes it right by the law. Effers.
Hey, anyone want all 50 answers to the final exam from The effing Online effing Traffic effing School? It's for the California driving test, and I'm sure it changes 10% or 20% each time, but I bet it doesn't change much more than that. I've got them ready to email around the state. Just let me know if you want them. Here are a few to whet your appetite:
3. In a period of twelve months, involvement in three or more accidents will result in:
Your Answer: a DMV investigation. Correct Answer
4. The truck under-ride functions as:
Your Answer: a preventive mechanism to help keep the tops of cars from being sheared off. Correct Answer
5. If you see a car coming towards you on the wrong side of the road, which of the following should you do?
Your Answer: Pull to the extreme right or drive off the road completely. Correct Answer
Now, drive safely out there, folks.