Friday, May 29, 2009

Wet My Whistle

We've established that I'm not a particularly nice person, yeah? It's not that I don't do a lot for others: the school, the classrooms, my church, the PTA, relatives and [former] friends in need of money, blah, blah, blah. I'm just unable to control my snarkiness while I do these things.

So, sure, I'll take on the fifth grade fundraising, but I'll ridicule the idiots who reply to all, who say they'll help just to make it look like they're helping but then not show up, who do nothing but expect me to set aside something they want because they want it, or who can't make change or make popcorn or make their kid at least pretend to be helping.

Or, yeah, happy to count the money at the church with the really, really, really old guy -- God bless him, a WWII vet who saw loads of action in the Pacific arena and who cares for a wife slowly and painfully dying of emphysema -- who can't count and can't use an adding machine and can't shut the hell up so we can get this done.

That's me. I'm a bitch. I'm the first to admit it. [Okay, maybe Pete would be the first to admit it, but that's another story.] It's my calling card. It's why I can say -- and people will understand -- that I can't be a PTA officer because I don't like people and I have no filter, no self-censorship when surrounded by morons.


I went out and bought a dog whistle today. You know, one of those that makes a sound too high-pitched for us to hear but a perfect one for driving a dog to distraction. I'm taking it to school each day for the remainder of the year. I'm so bloody tired of the people bringing their dogs onto school grounds when they're told not to.

Don't get me wrong. I take my dog onto the high school grounds every single day. And sometimes twice a day. But only on a never-used field. And never around students.

These people I'm talking about? Right onto school property. Right onto the sidewalks. Right into the hallways. Right into the multi-purpose room. Right into the classrooms. WTF?

They've been told to stop too many times to count via mass emails via individual emails from the principal via personal conversations with the principal and via me saying, "Hey, what the hell are you doing with a dog here? Do you think the "No Dogs" policy doesn't apply to you?" [Yeah, seriously, I've said that to two different people. And, no, the "No Cursing" policy doesn't freakin' apply to me.]

And yet they keep on coming. So, starting tomorrow, I am armed and dangerous. Woof woof.


Michele R said...

Hilarious! You have to update us on the dogs' reactions.

Anne said...

I was an executive with the PTA, I don't have the patience. I spend way too much time thinking these people need a hobby. Stop trying to come up with a way to sneak juice into your child's classroom. Water will not kill him (sorry, I am still scarred from my years with the PTA). Let me know how the dogs react to the dog whistle. If they just seem distracted, I might get one for our dog. I like to annoy him sometimes.

Sarahviz said...

"I don't like people and I have no filter, no self-censorship when surrounded by morons"

You just described me perfectly.

Chris said...

LOVE this idea!!!

And? You are not a bitch. A bitch is the one who replies all to make it look like they are helping.

Rachel said...

Yes! Spectacular idea. I worked in "The Mall" for ten years (my own sob story) and hated when peope would bring a dog into my store. I wish I had thought of that idea.

Good luck!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

This confirms it. I have a crush on you. :)

D... said...

Clever you! I can't wait to read an update on this. The sense of entitlement some people have kills me. Slowly.

Lori said...

Go sick 'em, girl.

jenica said...

you crack me up!

Janet said...

I'm going to use that line when they ask me to be on committees. My tolerance for moronism is non-existent as well.
I love love love the dog whistle idea.

And Chris is right.


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