Thursday, June 11, 2009

Yer a Flea-bitten Varmint!

Let's face it, folks, there's nothing you can say to me that won't make me believe that anyone with lice is a dirty, neglected, filthy, wrong-side-of-tracks person. And don't try to hide behind the "experts" who say that lice, in fact, prefer clean hair. Bullsh$t. They say that for the same reason we tell kids, "Everyone's a winner" and pass out trophies to every team and every team member down to the 0-12 bottom rung and its .000 batter.

We wouldn't want anyone's feelings hurt, would we? Kumbaya, my butt.

And to let kids back into school after one lousy treatment? [Pun totally intended.] That's just shameful. No one gets those suckers dead with one treatment and no one gets those frickin' nits out the first go-round. Or the second. Or the tenth.

I've written about the horrors of the lice epidemic at our school once or twice. Thank God it's summer and we won't be exposed to all the dirty, filthy masses who have it.

You do get where I'm going with this, yeah? I don't need to actually type the words out, right? You get my drift, yeah?

No?

My name is Patty. And I had lice. We discovered the infestation right before Mother's Day. [As a child of mine most likely passed it onto me, that's kind of ironic, yeah?] It was only me and one child. Let's just say our hair is apparently attractive breeding grounds for the effers.

It was frickin' horrible. 100% horrific. And my head is itching as I type just remembering it. And I wrote not once about it in real time because I couldn't bear to do so. Want to know what the surefire treatment is for getting rid of lice? Here's my recommended combination:

A gazillion treatments with one of the lice shampoos.
Rubbing olive oil all over the hair and scalp and then topping off with a shower cap and keeping it on for 12 hours.
Adding 30 drops of tea tree oil to a shampoo and washing with that.
Another gazillion treatments with one of the lice shampoos.
Rubbing scotch whiskey all over the hair and scalp and then topping off with a shower cap and keeping in on for 12 hours.
Washing again with the tea tree oil shampoo.
Another gazillion treatments with one of the lice shampoos.
Rubbing Crisco all over the hair and scalp and then topping off with a shower cap and keeping it on for 12 hours.
Washing yet again with the tea tree oil shampoo.

And amidst all this, take the time to smile broadly and laugh inside knowingly when the multitude of fellow mothers at the school comment on how shiny and great your hair is looking.

7 comments:

D... said...

Lice is the worst thing. The worst. I have had meltdown upon meltdown dealing with it. Yes, it takes forever to get rid of. It's a months long diligent process. One in which you never get over.

It used to be you couldn't come back to school if you had ANY nits in your hair. Now, it's just the actual lice. Excuse me. The treated shampoo does NOT kill all the nits.

Your treatment is an excellent one. I hope we never have to deal with it again. Horrific.

mayberry said...

I think you forgot "pour yourself a stiff drink of the scotch whiskey" in there somewhere.

We have this Rosemary Repel shampoo that is supposed to be lice-preventing. You can't prove a negative so I don't know if it works, but it smells GOOD.

Tara R. said...

ARrrgghhh! Sounds heinous! But, seriously, did you partake a little of the scotch?

Petunia said...

What a PITA! It went around our school earlier in the school year. I don't know much about it except that getting rid of them is a process!!!

MamaGeek @ Works For Us said...

This very post has made me itchy. True story.


*itch itch*

chichimama said...

I live in fear of lice. And so feel for you. Ulgh.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Um..I'd be drinking that scotch whiskey!

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