Thursday, August 6, 2009


No, I'm not advocating doing an MILF. I'm talking about a Daughter Of one. And, no, I am most definitely not thinking of my daughter. [How laughable would that be?] Nor am I thinking of myself. [Although, seriously, my mom is pretty damn hot.] [Hi, Mom!]

I am friendly with a woman who is an MILF. Seriously. She is totally hot. When her daughter hits her teen years and starts bringing boy friends around, they are going to be dreaming of her mom at night. The daughter is 11 right now, so there are still a few more years to go before those boy friends get all gawky and tongue-tied and sweaty with desire for the mom.

I'm going to call the daughter Karen. Why that name? When I was in fifth grade, which this girl has just finished, the prettiest and perkiest girl in my class was Karen M. She nabbed the cutest and coolest boy to go steady with.

[Yeah, I know. Like I don't re-live those days with dread when I realize folks were going steady at that age. Or that we were playing Truth or Dare behind the Quonset huts at recess. Or that we were necking with our pillows on sleep-overs, trying to prepare ourselves for the real kissing that was going to be present in -- holy effin sh#t -- just months.]

Karen had a pretty face and was sweet and nice and not conceited at all. Her body was at that girl stage where hormones were starting to mess around and wreak havoc on her, putting fatty deposits in places that hadn't been fat since she was a chubby little ole baby. She hadn't shot up yet. She had shot out a bit.

It would have been unthinkable for any of us to see her -- or our own "healthy-bodied selves" -- as fat. None of us girls felt that way. None of the boys did. Certainly none of the parents did.

Fast forward in time to the girl I'm calling Karen today. She's a cutie. Not in the popular crowd, the fast crowd, the likely doing Truth-or-Dare crowd. She's one of those on-again, off-again friends of Daughter's. She was part of the crowd that had me seeing red at the beginning of last school year, when Daughter's friends seemed to be taking a perverse pleasure in being young bitches.

But she's not really a Heather, I guess. [My apologies to the real-life Heathers I know. I mean the ones who are fabulous and named Heather.]

I'm willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, particularly when Daughter attests to their goodness and, even more particularly, when it is Daughter's birthday and she has a party and all her friends are invited, regardless of the score card I might be keeping on them.

[Damn, even I'm not sure I'm going to re-read this long, drawn-out thing before I hit publish. Anyone there?]

My point to all this? Karen's mother is an MILF. And Karen's mother thinks Karen is fat. And Karen's mother would like to share that with people such as myself. And Karen's mother would like me to not give Karen a doughnut or a pizza without first making a comment about Karen's weight. And Karen's mother would like me to point out to Karen that Karen is heavy. And Karen's mother would like me to say Karen looks ridiculous in the bikini of Daughter's which she borrowed to swim whilst over.

I'm glad I wasn't face-to-face with Karen's mother as she went through this diatribe about her daughter's weight problem. Because she's an MILF with a kick-ass body who would have hurt me so badly when I punched her in her taut gut for saying such horrid things about her daughter.

I'm so very, very sad for Karen. I've wiped that score card I've been keeping on her totally clean. If anyone is going to need a non-judgmental, non-MILF friend's mother in the future, I'm thinking it's going to be Karen.


Janet said...

What a wretched woman. I just read this post by Slouching Mom. Go read it and send it AND THE COMMENTS to Karen's idiot of a mother - anonymously or not. She's going to destroy Karen.
Obviously I'm too old, because it took me about half the post to realize what MILF meant.

Janet said...

I guess it would help if you had the link.

Jeni said...

Well, I'm still out of the loop with respect to what MILF means -explanation please.
But, as to Karen's mother -I don't know that I could keep my big, fat mouth shut if she'd have said that to me. By the time that kid gets to the dating part of life, etc., I'm betting her self-esteem will be so low that regardless of how she looks, she will be unnoticed or unable to respond to any compliments if given to her. What a crock of crapola for that mother to do something like that!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Wow. That's just... wow. You're right. You need to be the one female adult in Karen's life who doesn't use her weight against her. She desperately needs that because she's going to have such negative body issues in the future.

And give me Karen's mom's addy. I'll give her 20 pieces of my mind...

gudnuff said...

What I get from this post, probably what I'm looking for, is the idea that before I see red when other kids somehow hurt my child, it is helpful to remain mindful of things like this. Not to excuse them. Not to ignore the bad behavior. But to remind myself that there is no Axis of Evil, no sign-up sheet for The Bitchiness Club that some people just want to join for fun. That instead, things are going on in people's lives, and I may not know about them, but there may be issues, and that helps me not to see red so quickly. And not seeing red so quickly helps me keep my own reactions in the moderate range, and helps me hold my tongue when I hear how someone hurt my kid.

mayberry said...

She TOLD YOU to say that stuff to her kid?!? I am speechless. That poor child.


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