Your application for health coverage has been evaluated.
We're sorry to inform you that your application has been declined based on information in your medical record.
If the basis for our underwriting decision is not explained in this letter, you will shortly receive a detailed explanation in a separate mailing.
* * *
Pete, of course, got his denial down and dirty very quickly. Mine dragged on for weeks. I never really expected Blue Shield Motherfuckers of California to actually give me insurance, mind you. But there was this little part of me that held out hope.
Was it the slightly elevated cholesterol numbers that I started taking medication for a year ago? Or was it the hyperthyroidism that leaves me taking an unpronounceable medication for, quite likely, the rest of my life? Or maybe it's the arm pain that I've stopped getting any treatment for because, hello, I'm trying to get some insurance here? Or is it the fact that my father died of melanoma in 1987 at the ripe old age of 56? That I've had three kids? That I'm a brunette? That I broke my arm on the jungle gym when I was 7? That I'm aging? That I might actually need health care?
Blue Shield Motherfuckers of California: may all your deaths be drawn out, horribly painful and devoid of all dignity.
So, my existing policy -- the one that they have to give me by law -- expires February 28. Can anyone think of any unnecessary procedures I can undergo before then?
Or would that be unethical?
* * *
I remember a couple of court cases which accused some heavy metal bands of contributing to some teens committing suicide or killing someone else. I've noticed that when I listen to a handful of Springsteen songs, the lyrics underscore my anger, my rage, my desire for harm to befall those in the health insurance industry. To extract some kind of vengeance for the evils they do.
Do you think I can quote those as a defense? You know, just in case?
[Find some ethical folks at Sunday Scribblings today.]
[Ethics dictate that I acknowledge that the above lyrics are by Bruce Springsteen. They come from Johnny 99 and The Promised Land. Anyone who knows me knows I am an adoring fan of Springsteen's. The only bumper sticker a car of mine has ever had was SPRINGSTEEN bold and true on my '69 Mustang. His songs speak to me. But, no, they never tell me to kill. That's just my Twinkie defense.]