Thursday, February 25, 2010


Hey, stop me if you've heard this one: my health insurance was denied, which means I'm SOL (Shit Out of Luck if you're not my child) (Sorry Out of Luck if you're one of my kids) at the end of the month. So, naturally, I'm in need of seeing a doctor, and it's likely that it's not just one doctor I need to see.

Don't want to pry, do you? Oh, come on, if you've been reading my tweets, you already know what the issue is. An elevated heart rate. Not "holy-f$%k-get-the-defibrillator" fast. But rapid. As in, oh, you know, 115 beats per minute. At rest.
Yeah, I know, right?

And in case you think I'm just not counting very well, I've got a fancy-schmancy monitor of Pete's that I use. You know, Pete? Pete-of-the-triple-bypass? That one.

You want to know what makes your heart beat faster than usual? When you're checking the rate and it doesn't register. Like WTF with that, eh? Then the pounding in my head just gets that more intense.

Wouldn't that just show Blue Shield Motherf$%kers of California if I went into cardiac arrest when I had their insurance and they got stuck with the bulk of the bills?! Ha ha ha.


It was whilst Googling my dilemma that it occurred to me that those wiki answer sites are just too much to believe in. Like, if I'm concerned about something, I'm not going to be trusting Joe the Regular Man or Tiffani (with a heart over the "i") the Tambourine Shaker to tell me what's what.

Because there are far too many of us out there who would so get a kick of screwing with people's heads by answering so ass-backwards or cruelly or belligerently. And, yeah, I said "us" 'cause I'm including myself in there as well. I mean, did you see my utterly cold reaction to the Jonah story yesterday?

Q.  What is the average heart rate? Mine seems to never drop below 110, even when resting.

A.   The average heart rate is 54 beats per minute. A heart rate twice that is a sure indicator that death is imminent. I wouldn't even bother calling the ambulance. :)

[Photo courtesy]


Fairly Odd Mother said...

Ugh. I HATE insurance companies for this kind of crap! Take care woman. Your heart needs to realize there isn't a party going on right now and chill out.

(and Wiki answers, another ugh! Some of them are so pathetic!)

Patois42 said...

Guess what happens when you tell the doctor's office you've been having a rapid heartbeat for the past several days? You get an appointment in 1.5 hours. Here's hoping I survive until then.

Dudes, totally joking here. Of course, I was laughing about the criminal whale last night on twitter, so we know how I react to tragedy.

tiff said... name is tiffany...but not with a heart over my "i"...i am so not a everyone calls me tiff...still w/ no heart over the 'i'.

oh and i am a tiff w/ a heart episode(aka attack) when i was 38...due to stress...sweet sauce! it is scary...and i so wish that my friends were right and i was just having an anxiety attack...but no such i am on meds that cost too much money...for the rest of my life! double UGH! i had good insurance when i had my attack, but now i have not so good insurance, so the meds are crazy expensive out of pocket!

i hope you are feeling better w/ a nice slow heart is scary!

Anonymous said...

Hi, as you can see this is my first post here.
Hope to get any assistance from you if I will have some quesitons.
Thanks in advance and good luck! :)


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