Monday, October 18, 2010

I Know Nothing

I think of myself as Sgt. Schultz. If you are a certain age, perhaps you saw "Hogan's Heroes" as it was made. Younger, you surely saw it in syndication. Too young, you've no clue as to what I speak.

"Is it true the kids have to sit by grade now?" a mother asks me on the playground before lunch today.

"You'll have to talk with the Commandant principal," I say.

"What if they have siblings? I mean, I know how much C. liked to sit with her sister when she was in first grade and her sister was in third," the jauntily dressed mother continues.

"You'll have to talk with the Commandant principal," I say.

"And C. tells me there's no more nut-free zone tables. She's allergic to nuts," the sports-minded mom says.

"I've never seen C. sit at the nut-free table," I say. "She's allergic to nuts?"

"Well, not deathly, but, yes. She told me that she had to sit next to a girl with a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich on Friday."

"Oh, no," I say. "There is definitely a nut-free table. She should definitely sit there if she's allergic to nuts."

"And that cuts across all grades?" she wonders, lovingly, batting her eyes.

STFU. Seriously. STFU. Leave me defending the most bizarre new policies. I just want to hang with my kid a couple of times a week. Lord knows, I'm not doing this for the money (although you force us all to be employees of a school district that, Lord also knows, sure as shit could use the money on better things, like playgrounds that kids can't actually play on).

You're not allowed to bring doughnuts to celebrate your kid's birthday, either. Verboten. There's an epidemic, donchaknow, of childhood obesity. Clearly, it's the occasional donut at school that is doing your fat kid in. [Or, wait, it's just slow metabolism, right? Or maybe, just maybe, it's because he eats fatty foods at home all day and you send him packed with more fatty foods and sugar at lunch. Oh, sorry, might I be offending you? Good. Be offended.] So, for the teacher's birthday today, I brought 20 doughnuts for the kids and 8 muffins for the teachers and the nanny-statehood proponents.

I find myself, jaw-gaping, at so many ridiculous rules and policies and standards just to try to lift others up to the detriment of my own kids' fun.

Soon, we will likely have to separate the boys from the girls at lunchtime. Or maybe the blondes from the brunettes.

Who knows? All I can say is, "I know nothing."


Jomama said...

And then what happens to the kids stuck in the combined 3rd-4th grade class because the district is saving money on an additional teacher for the "extra kids" that can't be shoehorned into the 40-to-1 student teacher ratio.

Oh wait, was I talking? I know nothing either...

Lori said...

At least they HAVE a peanut-free table! Back in MD, my son was not allowed to bring his peanut butter and jelly sandwich to summer camp for lunch just in case someone was allergic. Was there even anyone in camp who was allergic? Irrelevant. matter. No PBJ allowed. Period.


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