Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Things I'd Really Like to Say

One of the gigs I'm working on is a methodological study funded through a federal governmental agency which shall remain nameless. (Only to avoid having some flunky from said agency Google the name and find out what I have to say.)

It's all in the name of social research, and it's a hell of a subject matter. The folks I deal with are recruited in some places I have never been. (And, much to my relief, are places I can't go into because of my gender and sexual orientation.) I've said too much already.

Here's the email I sent to my colleagues on Sunday, entitled "Asshole No Show at 1 p.m."

I left a message on his cell at about 12:50, saying, "Just making sure you're coming here."

He called back at the same time I was leaving a message. "Oh, yeah, I called earlier about that. I forgot I have finals this week so I'm at school today, studying."
"F$#k you," I said. "F#$k you. Burn in hell. You're obviously too f#$king stupid to pass your exams. And, frankly, who the f#$k would hire such a stupid person who can't keep an appointment and can forget finals?"
That made me feel much better.
Oh, that was just in my head. Out loud I said, "Fabulous," with as much sarcasm as I could muster. And then I said, "Good bye." And I hung up.
I then called the 3 o'clock to say, "Yo, A., man, you better be coming at 3. And any way you could make it any earlier?" My good chap A. called back moments later and said, "I'm so sorry, but I'm in the City, so I don't think I could get there before 2:30, but I'll try."
And, hey, did I mention I think I broke my foot last night? Yeah, as soon as A. is done, I'm going to the emergency room. Why not last night? Because I KNEW I had to be here for a 1 o'clock appointment with a dumbf#$k.
Gee, I hope I don't get in trouble for cursing this much. Although, were I to be fired, I could hold out for unemployment. I hear they're giving 99 weeks now. 

Note: All asterisks have been added so I don't offend anyone too much.

Another Note: I'm not really an employee so I'm not entitled to unemployment. Besides, one of my good friends is the owner and she would never let me weasel out of this contract or the other two I have going.

And Here's Another Note: My friend nearly choked, knowing I was perfectly capable of saying that to the guy and was in a near-panic until she got to the point where I said it was all in my head. She's so damn easy.

Still Yet Another Note: No, I'm not going to just use emails I send as blog posts until the end of eternity.

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