Thursday, September 18, 2014

Maroon is the New Black

I'm thinking of starting an organization whose sole purpose will be to pass out maroon-colored ribbons with "I'm Such a Maroon" printed on them. [Back off! Trademark pending.]

The organization might even branch out to sell maroon-colored decals to put next to the ones displaying the number of family members on the rear windows of mini-vans and other multi-passenger vehicles. I think the decals should be ribbons, too, with the same statement printed on them. The owners of the vehicles wouldn't buy the decals, of course. No one would buy them for themselves. No, the wronged among us will buy them and slap them on when the offending maroon is distracted.

Distracted by what, you wonder? I don't know, really. The one yesterday at the gas station who finished pumping her gas and then sat in her car for 78 seconds -- 78 seconds -- whilst the line of car owners waiting to pump gas themselves grew longer and longer was distracted by, um, being maroonic?

I could go put a decal on the kitchen window of the woman who called me yesterday asking about us carpooling from the dance studio one day each week. She works that day, see, and so she can't pick up her offspring. Could I bring her offspring home? "Sure, will you be bringing the girls to the studio?" I inquired. "No, I'll be at work." "Well, Fridays are toughest for me, could you bring my daughter to the studio on Fridays?" I ventured. "No, my daughter doesn't go Fridays," she replied. "So by 'carpool,' you really mean you just want me to bring your daughter home every Wednesday night," I said. "Tee-hee-hee. Yes."

What a maroon.

Or how about the local district attorney's office joining with some namby-pamby do-gooder organization to do a gun buyback program.

A toy gun buyback program. Oh, and violent video games, too. 'Cause, you know, there's overwhelming empirical evidence to support the idea that playing with toy guns or playing violent video games leads to committing heinous crimes. Not.

What a bunch of maroons.

Once I get my Etsy shop setup with the ribbons and decals, you can Pinit! and spread the word.

[H/T to my brilliant sister and her husband who have taken to using the term "What a maroon" in honor of the maroonic neighbor who drives a maroon car. It's certainly better than my usual choice of vocabulary when encountering stupid mo-fos.]

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