Last year, when I dropped a bunch of weight with zero effort on my part and I was convinced I had some horrible disease that would be the end of me, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I honestly was relieved because I found a way to extricate myself from my job: death. [There's a lot of back story to that, but suffice it to say that my overwhelming sense of honor had me feeling as if there was no way I'd ever be able to leave that company.]
Thinking about what I've just written, it sounds so very callous, particularly if someone you love -- or you, yourself -- is in the midst of dying. You might be outraged. I suggest not reading the rest of this post.
You know what other thoughts I had when I thought I was about to be handed a death sentence?
"I won't have to do all the work to downsize."
"My kids -- all of them -- will be all right."
"I hope I outlive my Mom."
"Why doesn't someone just kill VOTUS?"
But not once, during that entire time, did I give one thought that God exists. As most of my life I have been a believer, I know that in past times, I did seek solace in God. When my own Dad died. When my nightly prayer up until a few years ago was to say the "Lord's Prayer," and ask God to keep my kids "healthy, happy, safe and free from harm." [No, I'm not entirely sure why "safe" and "free from harm" both came to be utterances. They strike me now as remarkably similar.]
On my walk this morning, I got to thinking about the catechisms and scriptures that are thrown our way by the most vile of creatures, such as Rubio or Pence or name-a-death-eater-believer. How do they possibly have any faith whatsoever, given the evil they're committing? What religion doesn't have those two fearing for what they'll pay at the end? Aren't they terrified?
My need for vengeance fuels this mad desire I have, to convince men like them, moments before they die, that there is no God. But those last few moments of grief they'll feel won't offset the lifetimes of faith they had. Or the amount of evil they did in God's name.
How will it end? I still don't know.